


Upside Down Christmastime

by PatPrecieux



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Christmas Party, Fluff, M/M, Sexual Humor, Ugly Christmas Apparel Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 04:21:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12927342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatPrecieux/pseuds/PatPrecieux
Summary: Don we now our gay apparel, or, it's time for Christmas Jumpers.





	Upside Down Christmastime

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mamaorion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamaorion/gifts), [crazycatt71](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazycatt71/gifts).



> John loves Christmas and wearing Holiday jumpers. Sherlock is a Humbug.

"Bah Humbug!", Sherlock snarled, his eyes narrowed slits and his face twisted in disgust.

John's response was a fit of giggles that left him gasping for air. When he regained some control, he grinned. "I can't believe you actually said Bah Humbug, Sherlock, or should I say Scrooge?"

"Mock me if you will, doctor, but I have little enthusiasm for your ridiculous holiday traditions, particularly those involving odious articles of clothing."

"You have NO enthusiasm at all, but you're doing it, sugarplum."

Sherlock looked scandalized, "That is insulting and the answer is still no. No antlers, no red noses, no Santa's hat, and absolutely no Christmas jumpers. So you can toddle off to Toyland or wherever your childish mind takes you. It's no No NO!!"

"Ho Ho Ho, if you're not a good little boy, Father Christmas will put a lump of coal in your stocking."

"Good. I can use it in an experiment. That, at least, will be mentally stimulating."

"Oh it's stimulation you're after is it?", John purred as he ran his hands up Sherlock's waist and inserted his firm thigh between the taller man's legs, "Might I suggest that MY Toyland has adult playthings that Santa would be too embarrassed to put under the tree."

Sherlock made to back away, but John pulled him into a fiery kiss. "This is not going to work John, I won't... I'm not..."

"Only YOU could take something fun like a Christmas Party and turn it on its head. Let's go to the playroom and open the Toy Chest shall we, and we can unwrap our Christmas 'Packages' early."

The next morning, Sherlock was still unsure as to just when he had given in to John's horrid demand that he attend the Yard's Christmas party. He only knew he had folded like a cheap suit, and he NEVER wore cheap suits. The detective kept thinking of John's snide remark about his turning Christmas celebrations topsy-turvy. With a huff of annoyance but the seed of an idea, he opened his laptop and Googled: Ugly Christmas Jumpers. A short ten minutes later, his scowl had been replaced by a Grinchy smile and his order was placed. If John wanted him at the party, he'd make sure it was an unforgettable event.

***~~~***

The parcel was delivered a few days later, and no matter how John cajoled or teased, Sherlock would not open the box. "This was at your suggestion John, so please do me the courtesy of not acting like a tiny tot whining that Christmas isn't here as yet. You'll see my festive attire at the celebration, not before."

"Fine, but be aware your name is getting closer to being on the naughty list."

Sherlock snorted, "You have no idea how naughty."

"What was that, my Nutcracker Sweet?"

"Any more of that gibberish, Watson, and there won't be ANY nuts for you at Christmas."

"Alright I yield, but I'll give you a look at my jumper so you can be envious."

"I seriously doubt envy will be the sentiment it evokes. Aversion might be more accurate."

"Oy! Harry decorated this jumper for me and it's perfect for the Ugly Jumper Competition. Ta Da!"

John proudly held up a black jumper with red appliqué snowflakes. In the center was a three dimensional penguin with a huge yellow beak and feet. He wore a Santa's hat and candy cane striped scarf, and was surrounded by a wreath of red and green silk ribbons. The entire surface was sprinkled with poinsettia blooms and tiny white plastic Christmas trees. But most startling of all was...

"John", Sherlock stuttered, "is that abomination wearing a Father Christmas thong??"

"Seems as if, compete with trousers, boots, gloves and a rather jolly bearded face if I do say so myself. And if this is where you refuse to be seen with me..."

"That never occurred to me, John. I'm always proud to be in your company."

"Why do I not feel comforted by that statement, dear?"

"I can't imagine, darling, but your wait will soon be over."

***~~~***

The day of the party arrived amidst a light snow that was more charming than alarming. Just enough to put even a grouch into a merry mood. John was amused that Sherlock was carrying his secret to the extreme of taking the unopened box with him. Not intending to change until they arrived at the Yard, he preferred to wear black trousers and a white dress shirt. Mrs. Hudson was disappointed, but her Boy would not be swayed.

"But Sherlock, I only want a peek."

"Sorry Mrs. Claus, but John is the muse that inspired this creation, and he will be the first to be dazzled by it's magnificence."

The blogger rolled his eyes good naturedly and patted her shoulder, "I'll make certain he keeps it on until we come home so you can be impressed as well. Come on, Ghost of Christmas Jumper to Come, we don't want to be more than fashionably late."

"Oh my God, you're turning into Mycroft."

"There's no call to be rude", John chided as he pushed his lover into the cab.

***~~~***

At the Yard, Greg was at the door dressed in a jumper with the top of a reindeer plush toy affixed to the front and the hind end coming out the back. John raved about it. Sherlock, however, had a vastly different opinion.

"Well, Garland, allow me to congratulate you. I've often said you can rarely tell your head from your arse, now you seem to have found a visual aid to assist you in that. Well done."

Before John could scold, Greg clapped Sherlock soundly on the back and laughed, "Why thank you, Sherlock, and keeping in the spirit of the season, I'll give you credit for giving me a name apropos to the celebration. Come on boys, hot rum punch awaits."

"We'll be just a tick GREG, while the center of attention here changes into his couture outfit." 

They went into Lestrade's office and closed the blinds. Sherlock opened the box and turned his back as he shimmied into the jumper, a bright red knit with white snowflakes.

John cleared his throat in appreciation of the performance, "Keep that up and we'll not make it out to the party, and do I hear bells?"

Sherlock smirked over his shoulder, "Indeed you do. Behold, Christmas stood on it's head."

Twirling around to unveil the front of the jumper, Sherlock had an evil glint in his eyes.

"You're wearing an upside down snowman", John hissed as the tableau was revealed. 

The smiling figure was adored with a very large carrot nose, a top hat embellished with ginger colored garland and hanging down from that, two tennis ball size blue jingle bells.

"So, Santa's elf, what do you think?"

For a moment John was speechless, his face a shade of holly berry red, then he stammered, "You are aware that the nose, hat and bells rather resemble ah, they appear to be... that is..."

"Heavens John, not really articulate for a medical man are you. Yes, of course, they aptly represent those beloved Christmas ornaments - the phallus, pubes, and the oft spoken of blue balls." Sherlock looked well pleased with himself.

At that very instant, Sally Donovan, ignorant of the drama, barged through the door. "Boss, have we got more rum or do I need to pop out and... Oh it's you two. Christ Holmes, what the bloody hell? You best not let me catch you dragging your bits and bobs through the cheese dip or the chocolate fondue. That settles it, we may not need more rum, but now I do. Piss off boys."

Trying to be charitable, John quietly said, "Think that one has already had her limit of Christmas cheer. Best if Greg sees to that. You ok over there, love?"

Sherlock looked somewhat shocked as he raised his head to meet John's gaze. "While I admit to being culpable in the selection of this ensemble, I may have underestimated the, ah, location and potential hazards of the embellishments."

"You mean you didn't anticipate you might find your "nose" stuck in places where it wouldn't be welcomed."

"Not funny, John, and damned inconvenient."

"Doesn't have to be, I think I can fix you, if you'll pardon the expression."

"I won't, but carry on at any rate."

Warily, Sherlock watched as John removed the green and red ribbons from his jumper and proceeded, with surgical skill, to weave them through the red wool and tightly secure the carrot and bells to the jumper, finishing both sutures with a jaunty bow.

"That should prevent any disasters until you can see your proctologist about this condition."

"I suppose you're entitled to make fun of me, thank you."

"Teasing, sweetheart, not making fun of you, never that, but I warned you that Santa was watching."

"Yes, and evidently he has a nasty sense of humor. If you're still willing to be seen with me, I believe there was rum and chocolate mentioned, Captain."

"Lead on, Olaf."

"Olaf?"

"Yeah, ya know from Frozen. Never mind, let it go."

***~~~***

After a few hours where Sherlock grudgingly acknowledged that he actually enjoyed himself, not in small part because Harry's nightmare creation won his John the Ugly Jumper prize, they returned to Baker Street. Giving a half hour to their landlady/housekeeper to warm them with tea and holiday biscuits, they were soon upstairs for the night.

"I fail to see how an ugly jumper can be the prize for an ugly jumper contest. What nonsense!"

"That's called irony, my scrumptious snicker doodle. So my championship entry growing on you?"

"It's acceptable as far as penkwings, penglings, shit, arctic birds go", he growled as he removed the ribbons from his snowman.

"Here careful with those, you. I'll be using them."

"John, surely you're not putting these back on that pen...on that thing?"

"Not at all, matter of fact, I rather fancy seeing YOUR carrot and bells tied up with pretty little bows."

Sherlock's mouth fell open, his pulse racing, "Is that so?"

Instead of replying, John took his hand and began singing: 

"Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong

The bells are blue, the carrot's up  
We're here tonight and that's enough  
Simply having a wonderful Christmastime  
Simply having an upside down Christmastime."

 

And you hear them exclaim with the bedroom in sight,  
"Happy Christmas to all and to all a goodnight."

**Author's Note:**

> May you have a Merry Topsy-turvy Holiday
> 
> Credit to Paul McCartney : Wonderful Christmas Time.
> 
> For Mamaorion who made a Christmas wish for me to write, and crazycatt71 who invited and encouraged me to enter the Annual Ugly Christmas Apparel Challenge.


End file.
